The Brutal, Honest, and Unforgiving Truth

It may seem like an odd title for this topic, but to me it seems to fit rather well.

I have been surfing the net (Does anyone use that term anymore?) steadily since 1998, long before most people had internet connections (it was mostly just the rich or tech geeks that had them). Toni and I have been openly polygamous since we were married in 1992(even before), at a time when the only media attention poly relationships were getting was the odd update on a religious situation, either Mormon or Islamic. Then of course the media would focus hard on any negative they could find (and rightly so). Yet the negatives they could find were the exact same abuses that occur without bounds in "monogamous" relationships. And of course this has always been the focus of my blog.

Today, the media is switching positions and there are many articles and reports in favour of adult, consensual polygamous relationships, which is a great thing. Freedom is always a great thing. I am a firm believer in a primary gift which God gave to all, and that is the gift of freedom of choice. So, to me, freedom is the essence of all good laws and customs. The limitation of course being that those freedoms should not encroach upon another's freedoms, which has always been a tremendous source of conflict for the controlling/bully personalities. Yet there is still a silly, yet disturbing, propaganda being spread by both those who claim to be supporters of the poly lifestyle and those who claim to be living it, as well as warnings against living it by those who are in opposition. A well meaning group trying to warn others considering this lifestyle, that it is not all a bed of roses. And this is of course true. But once again, the focus is on the polygamous lifestyle, as if it were any different from the "monogamous" lifestyle is absurd. The same personality quirks exist in polygamous unions, as they do in all other areas of life.

Some of the Brutal, Honest, and Unforgiving truths that are being touted are things like jealousy, coveting, control, territory, bullying, dominance, abuse, legal spouse, legal ownership, life insurance, medical care, etc, etc. These are just some of the "brutal truths" that we are warned against in polygamous unions.

What a bunch of utter nonsense!!!!

If anyone considering this lifestyle has these problems, then they should go home and send their parents to their rooms for a time out. After all, these things should have been taught, and overcome, as children. Of course, there are always numerous excuses. Well, the Brutal, Honest, and Unforgiving Truth of the matter is that it is time to grow up.

These jealousies, and other selfish and self-serving behaviours, are addressed in all walks of life. From childhood, brothers and sisters, or friends, or whatever. In school, students are expected to get along and work out problems. As adults we enter the workforce, or marry, and still need to get along and work things out in our own circle of influence. This is no different in a polygamous union. If there is a jealousy issue, then work it out. Stop being a prissy little brat.

If you are coveting, then follow the commandments and stop. If you need something that someone else has, get your own. Chances are a little hard work will help you build a better character.

If you are a control freak, then knock it off. Try being meek for a change.

A territorial woman (and/or man) needs to get over herself. Be a family. Improve yourself, and improve your relationships. It looks completely stupid for a man to walk around marking his territory, and it looks just as stupid when a woman lifts her leg trying to mark her territory. If the woman(or man) cannot stop, then call the authorities and charge her.

The same goes for bullying and dominance issues. If a sports team was run like that, it wouldn't win any games. So get with the program and build your team, instead of ruining it. Decide before marriage, what focus your team is going to have and the method to use to accomplish it. That way everyone is on the same page.

Good communication is a must in the marriage relationship, just as it is in the business world. Can you imagine a business run the way most people run their marriages? Those businesses don't last long.

Abuse is a scourge and should be dealt with in the most strict sense. If you have a problem abusing someone (even if you have a reason) get professional help. Stop the abuse now. Abuse comes in all forms, physical, psychological, financial, spiritual, sexual, etc. Women abuse just as much, and in many cases far more than men. Abuse is not limited by genitalia. And stop saying you are abused just because 99% of the family income is not spent on your sugar addiction, or some other ridiculous nonsense. There are other people in the family, live together. And if you are so self-centered and want a different life, then get out!

A huge issue is I'm not the legal wife. I will be destitute if the husband dies, etc. Well this problem is easily resolved. Go to a lawyer. Wow, that was easy. Go to a lawyer and have contracts drawn up. Go to an insurance agent and have an insurance policy drawn up for the second wife. It is really that simple. Stop whining and get it done. If you are contemplating marrying into a family, then discuss these things. Make your choice. Some poly families give the women all the legal rights and put everything in their names. Figure out what it is that you want and go after it.

On the issues of Medical Care. Again, communication is the key. Ask. Yes, people can and do lie. This is a fact among all marriages, even "monogamous" ones. "Oh no! No person in a "monogamous" mindset would ever lie!" If this is how you think, get out of fantasy land and pay attention. If you prefer to live in fantasy land, then what are you complaining about. Ask questions, follow your instincts. Take some time to get to know people. It is actually quite easy with polygamous families. Things are so much more difficult to hide. You will be able to talk to your potential relatives, friends, children, ecclesiastical leaders, etc.

And don't forget all the warnings about jealousy surrounding sex in a plural marriage. Well, I hate to say it, but most jealous women that I meet are not virgins and certainly have had sex with men that have had other women, so what is the problem? Jealous women are not exactly known for their abstinence, and it is not unheard of for them to have sex with their best friend's boyfriend. They claim some sort of morality, by putting a qualifier on it, like "they were broken up at the time" etc. Well, if it is that easy, then just lie to yourself and put the same qualifier on it during the marriage. "Oh, my husband and his other wife are broken up this morning, so I'm going to invite him over for a little breakfast in bed." And if this seems stupid to you, I'm glad you are catching on. Imagine how good your life would be if you were using a fully functional brain. And before I get loads of comments saying that men are sexual deviants too, you are correct. So give yourself a big pat on the back for being special and having a justification for your own illicit behaviour.

What about the law? Isn't polygamy against the law? There are several places where polygamy is definitely not against the law, and in fact multiple partners are protected by law. So just move to one of those provinces. It is that simple.

Now, I'm sure that all the whiners are going to say "Oh, if it were only that easy. Joseph is just pedaling a lot of easy answers, he doesn't know what I have been through, etc". Well then you'll just have to learn the hard way. Enjoy your drama. No wonder TV is plagued by "spaz" shows.

Basically, plural marriage is a committed relationship, like any other. And just like in a "monogamous" relationship, we learn and grow together. There will be problems, and if you can't get along or don't want to learn and grow together, then don't marry in. Stop listening to all the "expert" advice. Poly families are the same as any other family. Just imagine spending your life with the wonderful group of friends that you grew up with, or went to college with. You got along with them, and it was a great experience. Well, it is the same in a good plural family too. It can be a great life, just leave your crap at the door and make friends.